


Operation: Get Harry Hart Laid

by cantakeroussass



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Eggsy gives great relationship advice, Gen, M/M, Merlin is a Little Shit (Kingsman), Miscommunication, Not Kingsman: The Golden Circle Compliant, Secret Relationship, but Harry doesn't want it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:54:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27236101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantakeroussass/pseuds/cantakeroussass
Summary: After surviving a bullet to the head, Harry's reshuffled his priorities, and Eggsy is ready to get him back in the dating world and fighting fit! Harry is significantly less keen. Merlin is enjoying every minute of this.
Relationships: Harry Hart | Galahad/Merlin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 58





	Operation: Get Harry Hart Laid

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, if anyone's here cuz of my Good Omens WIP, I'm So Sorry, but it's 2020 and I'm depressed, and Kingsman is the only thing hitting me with serotonin juice right now. I'll try to be back on GOmens eventually...
> 
> For this fic, it's like... not important, but Harry still got shot in the face and survived, but there's no Stateman, amnesia, or TGC. I just didn't wanna deal with retconning, but I DID want Harry shot, so... AU I guess, lol.
> 
> Anyway, I simultaneously LOVE oblivious!Eggsy AND super-keyed-into-his-friends!Eggsy and attempted to thread the needle here, though I think it still lands pretty solidly on oblivious!Eggsy, oops... Any which way, this was real fun to write and I hope you enjoy it!

When Harry ran on the treadmill, it usually meant something was on his mind. This wouldn’t bother Eggsy so much, only Harry had been techier than usual today, and everything Eggsy did to assist his physical therapy was coming across as hovering and overbearing.

So Eggsy was skipping rope on the other side of the gym and trying to covertly keep Harry in his peripherals. Not that he’d be able to run to the opposite side and catch the idiot if his brain short-circuited and he collapsed mid-step or had a spot of vertigo or his visual hallucinations cropped up unexpectedly—

Alright, maybe Eggsy was a bit techy too. It was nothing short of a miracle Harry had survived Valentine’s headshot in the first place, but he’d been a bear through the entire recovery process, and he’d been even worse the last couple weeks as his progress had started stagnating. The doctors still weren’t sure if the hand tremors that wrecked his shooting accuracy would ever stop.

So the man was entitled to a bit of techiness! But Harry was a fussy patient, and Eggsy was entitled to a bit of bitching too.

The whir of the treadmill motor stopped, and Harry stepped down, annoyed frown still tight across his face. Whatever puzzle he was trying to solve must be a complicated one.

“Alright, Harry?” Eggsy asked.

“Mm.”

That meant he wasn’t.

Eggsy looped the jump rope around a hook on the wall and joined Harry on the yoga mats to stretch and cool down.

Harry had his own routine (some strange amalgamation of yoga, ballet stretches, and handstands, when he was feeling confident) that he had developed over thirty years in Kingsman. And since he no longer needed to be spotted, Eggsy left him to do his downward dog and chaturangas while Eggsy focused on stretching his calves before they cramped up. Maybe he’d loosen up his adductors after. He was determined to get his splits back by the end of the year.

“Eggsy, I um,” Harry finally said as Eggsy was pulling out of a half-middle split. “I’ve been having trouble with… I need some advice.”

“Yeah, sure. Of course. Anything you need.”

“It’s um…” Uncertainty was an odd color on Harry. “It’s of the amorous nature.”

“Oh.” _Oh._

“Nearly dying, it’s—” Harry coughed in that gentlemanly manner that was meant to mask the way his eye darted around the room for the exits. “Well, let’s just say it’s reshuffled my priorities. And I don’t want to think—I don’t _feel_ I’ve wasted all this time, but…”

“But a Kingsman’s only got his name in the papers three times,” Eggsy finished, repeating Harry’s words back. Three times. The day he’s born, the day he dies, and the day he’s married.

Harry smiled as his body sagged, the tension seeping out of the corners of him. “Yes, precisely.”

Eggsy smiled back and leaned forward to clap Harry on the shoulder. “Nah, don’t ever think of it like that. Time ain’t wasted, it just wasn’t right before. But it ain’t ever too late! I had a great aunt who didn’t get married till she were 73, and those two were happy as you can imagine till Wilbur bit it a decade later.”

“Grim.”

“Don’t focus on that part. You’re well fit—”

 _‘Well fit?’_ Harry mouthed, eyebrows high in either surprise or alarm.

Eggsy waggled a finger at him. “— _Yes_ , you’re well fit, and don’t argue with me about it. You’ve no need to be intimidated. You’re a catch.

“Now c’mon, put yourself together. This isn’t the right venue for this chat. You get all cleaned up, go to your therapist this afternoon, and we’ll meet up at the pub tonight. Get you all sorted.”

“Thank you. I know it shouldn’t be so difficult or, um,” Harry glared and a lesser man might have been intimidated, but Eggsy has been with Harry through nearly a year of physical therapy. He could tell in an instant when Harry’s frustrations were aimed inward. “It shouldn’t be quite so _intimidating_ , but…”

The glower remained and no further grumbles were added, so Eggsy hauled Harry to his feet. “It’s okay, bruv. A lot’s been changing this last year. With you, with Kingsman, with everything. S’alright if anything intimidated you in any context—” Harry huffed, “— _but_ especially now. So go easy on yourself.”

“I’ll consider it,” Harry replied dryly.

“‘s all I ask,” Eggsy grinned. “Now go talk to your shrink already! I got groundwork to lay and a shower to take!”

* * *

As confident as Eggsy had been about helping Harry “get his groove back” and maybe find true love—or at least a first date—he realized about halfway through his shower that he didn’t actually know how people hooked up these days. Not older people at least. He and his mates pulled well at the bars and clubs, but that probably hadn’t been Harry’s scene even when he was Eggsy’s age.

Tinder or Grindr were _out_. Much as Harry might need a good shag, he was clearly looking for something more serious. Long term. Long-lasting. True love or whatever.

How the _fuck_ did old people meet?

Eggsy barely toweled his hands dry before he was dialing up a familiar number.

 _“Did he over-exert himself at the gym again?”_ Merlin asked, and Eggsy could hear the annoyance that spiked through the monotone.

“No, wrapped up early today, actually. I sent him off to therapy. Might be on time for once.”

_“Thank Heaven for small mercies.”_

Eggsy grinned. “I am calling about Harry, though. He’s talking about trying to find someone. Start a relationship, you know.”

Merlin didn’t respond for a moment. Then an amused, _“Is he now?”_ rolled over the phone line.

“Yeah, and he’s a little nervous about it, obviously. Kind of a big change, especially not being ‘in the field’ for at least a year, you know what I mean? Maybe more, the way he was all kinds of nervous.”

_“Mmm.”_

“So anyway, he asked me for advice and I realized, I don’t really know how guys your age meet people these days. Not in an ageist way, mind you! Only, I don’t think seedy pubs or dance clubs are gonna be Harry’s scene.”

_“Definitely not, no.”_

“And Tinder or Grindr’s not really what he’s looking for either,” Eggsy added.

_“No. Your generation really is hopeless.”_

“‘ey, I didn’t call you up for cheap shots,” Eggsy replied, but he was grinning anyway. “Seriously, what do I tell him? We’re meeting at the pub tonight to chat and I didn’t even think through the first step.”

_“The usual pub?”_

“Yea.” The last Lancelot had been enamored with the Eight Bells, and over the years it became a Kingsman regular. Quiet crowd. Definitely more Harry’s speed than Eggsy’s, but that would make Harry feel more comfortable through an awkward conversation.

_“That should do fine, there’s a good crowd there. I’ll join. There’s sure to be someone who catches Harry’s fancy.”_

“That’d be brilliant, actually. You shoulda seen him, Merls, he was such a wreck. Any moral support’d do him good.”

Merlin chuckled on the other end of the line. _“Aye, I’m sure he’ll be terribly out of his depth. I’d swear it’s been decades since the last time Harry Hart went on a first date.”_

Yeah, Eggsy had already worried that might be the case. But Harry was charming and fit and as long as he didn’t take anyone home to the stuffed dog and bug collection before the third date, he’d probably be fine.

…on second thought, this might be harder than Eggsy had originally expected. He was glad Merlin would be there. They’d need all the help they could get.

* * *

As an homage to the pub’s name, eight bells chimed whenever a new customer entered. Around the third bell, Harry caught sight of Eggsy waving to him from one of the booths in the back.

By the time the eighth bell chimed, Harry was standing next to the booth, frozen and staring at Merlin.

"What's going on?"

Eggsy glanced between them, surprised at the frosty question. If they'd had a falling out recently, Eggsy hadn't known about it, but Harry definitely looked as if Merlin had nicked Mr. Pickle and punted the poor dog off the roof.

"Eggsy says you're interested in 'getting back out there,'" Merlin replied, as Eggsy was still occupied with being shocked. "He thought you could use reinforcements."

"Mm. Eggsy, dear boy, as a spy, I expected a modicum of discretion from you on this matter."

"He's your best mate, Harry. I thought he could help with the hunt, and I weren't gonna feed you to the sharks without a few pals to drink beers with at the end of the night if it all goes tits up."

"How thoughtful," Harry replied, but in that voice that said he thought it was anything but.

Eggsy had the distinct feeling Harry was about to bolt. But then Merlin scooted to the center of the U-shaped booth, Harry heaved a put-upon sigh, peeled off his great coat, and slipped into the open spot.

Not the best start, but certainly not the worst.

Once Harry had a pint in hand, he started to thaw. He chatted amiably with Merlin about his progress in PT, and Merlin caught him up on the latest mission briefs. (As much as one could talk about top secret spy missions in a public bar, anyway.) A natural, easy silence fell over the table as the waitress dropped off the second round of drinks.

"A'right, we did come here with a mission in mind, men," Eggsy said. Merlin perked up. Harry did not. "Don't make that face. You came to me for advice, remember."

"A decision I regret more and more with each passing minute."

Eggsy knew there was a shiny metal placard behind his head and he could tell Harry was using it to eye the exit. "Oi, none of that! Come on, this isn't nearly as terrifying as you're making it out to be."

Harry grumbled something incoherent, but Merlin must have known what he was alluding to, because his eyebrow jumped up and he stared Harry down like a stern school teacher. Harry went quiet after that.

"Right. Good," Eggsy muttered, still trying to figure out what had just happened. "Anyway. Harry, first question—do you fancy the ladies or the gents?"

"Oh, it's been a preference for men for awhile, I think," Merlin replied for him, leaning back in his seat with a soft smile.

"Exclusively?" Eggsy asked.

"I don't know. Harry, would you say exclusively?"

Harry glared at Merlin. "I am very, _very_ exclusive, yes."

"Look, it's good to have high standards, don't get me wrong, but that's more of a second date thing, you know? You've gotta get in the field first. Reel some fish in. Get an idea of what to expect before you start getting too choosy, a'right?" Eggsy had seen how persnickety Harry could be about choosing a necktie. Dating was going to be a nightmare of high standards.

“Merlin says it’s been a minute since you started a new relationship,” Eggsy continued.

Harry sighed. “That is technically accurate, yes.”

“It’s fine! No judgement! Kingsman’s not exactly the easiest job to balance with a relationship.”

“Yes, I’ve found myself rather entangled with work. It seems to follow me home most days.”

Merlin snorted.

Eggsy blinked at both of them. “Yeah, right, but you’re retired now. More time to sort out your own life and what you want, yeah?”

“Temporarily retired,” Harry huffed.

“You can still be useful to Kingsman from the castle," Merlin replied. "Training, mission breakdowns, analyzing incoming—”

“I don’t want to have this conversation right now.” Harry glared at Merlin.

Merlin glared back, but said, “Fine.”

Eggsy waited for more, but the two men settled into a broody silence like children in timeout. “Riiight. So as I said, a long time since you started a new relationship Harry, yea?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have any ideas about what you might be looking for in a serious partner? Like, are you looking for someone who’s more spontaneous and likes last second adventure and travel?”

“Or less spontaneous,” Merlin suggested. “Try to find yourself a relationship where you spend the weekend at home doing nothing more exhilarating than watching movies and drinking tea. I certainly wouldn’t mind so much if you had a quiet Friday-in for once in your life.”

Harry glared. “I believe I would be quite interested in finding a partner who didn’t worry unnecessarily over every little thing, and could, perhaps, focus on himself from time-to-time rather than hover over me like a nagging mother.”

“Oi! You two, this is getting ridiculous!” Eggsy snapped, staring down both of them in turn. “As the big brother to a literal five year old, I can confidently say you’re both acting like toddlers. What the hell is going on between you two?”

Merlin glanced at Harry, eyebrows quirked like he was asking a question or for permission, though for what Eggsy couldn’t fathom.

Whatever it was, the answer must have been no, because Harry stepped out of the booth with a quiet, “I need the toilet,” and strode off.

“What the fuck was that?” Eggsy asked, rounding on Merlin.

For the first time that night, Merlin’s secret grin had vanished and he looked truly concerned. “I’m not sure,” he admitted with chagrin. “Check on him, would you?”

* * *

The toilets were empty, save for Harry, and Eggsy locked the entrance on instinct. Harry was bent over the sink counter, back curled in tight frustration and fingers tight enough against the porcelain to turn his knuckles white.

“Y’alright?”

“I apologize for my rude behavior. It was unconscionable.” Harry rubbed fiercely at his temple, quite close to his scars. Eggsy had to bite back the automatic warning not to scrub at his empty eye socket. “It’s only, this evening didn’t go the way I had intended.”

“It’s fine! We’ve been a bit distracted, and I shouldn’t have brought Merlin along, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t expect his addition to be quite so distressing, and I should’ve asked you before I talked to him. But don’t write the whole night off yet! I’ll tell him off and we can get back to finding you a date!”

“Eggsy, dear boy, I did not want your advice on dating, I wanted it in regards to how I ought to propose to Merlin.”

“What? Fuck off. Seriously?” Harry nodded miserably, and Eggsy fell against the sink counter. Shit, he’d wasted off a lot of the night. “And this ain’t some high-concept whirl-wind romance, asking your best mate to marry you or anything, isn’it?”

“We’ve been together a while, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“How long?”

“Twenty-two years.”

“Fuck off, no way!” He was green to spywork, sure, but there’s no way he would have missed that.

Harry smiled soft, and leaned a hip against the sink. “I’m sorry, we truly didn’t mean to keep it from you. I thought you knew. I hadn’t realized quite how good we’d gotten at hiding our relationship until this evening.” He frowned and tilted his head down till Eggsy could only see the dark shade covering his left eye.

“We’ve been discreet since the beginning. Had to fool men with years of experience reading secrets from the smallest tells. That’s rather the problem, actually. I’ve grown particularly frustrated with the secrecy.” He huffed a breath hard out his mouth and then slow and deep through his nose. “If I’d stayed dead in Kentucky, no one would have known. Hamish would have been alone, and no one would think to check if he was doing okay. He would have had no one to talk to or rely on.”

“Harry…” Eggsy put a hand on Harry’s shoulder and was reminded all at once how much weight he had lost in the last year, as he’d atrophied in medical and only started PT recently, as the brain damage had stabilized. His shoulders were still thin under Eggsy’s hand.

“You’re not in the field anymore, mate. It’s what you’ve got me and Rox for, alright. So don’t go worrying that you’ll be leaving him alone anytime soon, okay?”

“I’m not magically invulnerable simply because I’ve taken a break from field work,” Harry replied, but he did so with a cheeky grin that told Eggsy he should give the man a pass. (They’d continue to talk about how “permanent” Harry’s retirement was later.) “The real thrust of the issue is that I’m tired of hiding how much I love him, but after twenty years of denying it in our every action, I’m not quite sure how we can do anything else.”

“I don’t understand the problem here. If you love him, and he’s still mad about you after the little spat you had back there,” Harry rolled his eyes, but Eggsy pressed on, “Then he’s sure to say yes.”

“While I’ve no doubt about his investment in our relationship, it is rather the aesthetics of the proposal I find myself struggling with.”

“Come again?”

Harry sighed and folded his arms defensively across his chest. “I want to do something big. I simply don’t feel as though an expensive dinner at a fancy restaurant with fine wine is nearly enough. Merlin deserves the world. I’d do anything for him, but nothing seems adequate. Travel proposals lose their charm when you’ve been shot in most of the romantic cities in the world. A picnic in a hot air balloon presents too many factors and is sure to go wrong—”

“—Have you considered a flash mob proposal?”

“What? Absolutely not.”

“Right, ‘cuz that would be ridiculous.”

“Absolutely.”

“And nothing like you.”

“Perish the thought.”

Eggsy sniggered before hopping up on the sink counter. “How’d you two meet?”

Harry’s body language softened. “Work, of course. He chewed me out for accidentally destroying the only holo-modified umbrella from the armory while on a mission. After I’d nicked it, of course.”

“He chewed you out bad?”

“Can’t recall, honestly. Most of that memory revolves around how beautiful his eyes were, and how taken I was with the odd little way his front teeth overlapped.” Harry poked Eggsy in the chest. “But don’t ever tell him I said that. He still thinks he put the fear of God in me when we met. It wouldn’t do to spoil that for him.”

“You’re a menace,” Eggsy beamed back. “And who asked who out first?”

“You know, I don’t rightly remember. I was in medical after a mission in Prague, and when I finally woke up he snogged the life back out of me. I briefly saw the world on some higher plane of reality, though I can admit Merlin may have been aided by the morphine drip on that one.”

“And the first time you knew you loved him?”

Harry’s breath hitched. “You know, I’m not… It sounds quite ridiculous, but there was no special moment or big event or…”

“Don’t have to be,” Eggsy assured him.

“He was just on the couch in the living room. Mr. Pickle was curled up on his lap, happy as could be at his age. Merlin was in one of my cardigans. The two of them just watching the evening news or something, I couldn’t even tell you. But I wanted that moment to last forever.”

The last year’s worth of worry and pain and therapy and stress melted off Harry wrinkle by wrinkle as he sat in the comfort of the memory. The little tick in his jaw that hadn’t loosened in the last three months finally took a vacation, and he smiled in that sweet distracted way that meant he wasn’t even aware of it. It was the sappy sort of smile that kept Eggsy believing in true love, as cheesy as it was to admit.

“That’s it. That’s the emotion you want your proposal to capture. Nothing big and nothing bombastic—save that for the wedding.”

“But—” Harry protested.

“Me and Rox’ll go all out, don’t you worry! But the proposal’s just for the two of you. Do something small and intimate. Merlin’s understated at the best of times, but I bet you he’s as eager and nervous to love you vocally as well. Don’t make it more complicated.”

Harry looked ready to protest again, but he had the decency to stop and truly mull the advice over. (For all that Eggsy might have had a chip on his shoulder, there was no man in the world more stubborn than Harry. Well, maybe Merlin. In retrospect, it was a little embarrassing Eggsy hadn’t realized the two were together earlier.)

“I believe your view may have some merit,” Harry finally conceded. “Though I maintain my plans to go overboard for the wedding.”

Eggsy put his hands up. “That’s between you and your fiancé.”

Harry smiled. “That does have quite the ring to it, doesn’t it?”

* * *

As they walked back, Merlin glanced up, doing a poor job of looking disaffected by their absence. Eggsy hung back at the bar, watching as Harry retrieved his great coat from his seat.

“Everything okay?” Merlin asked.

“Mm. I think I’m more worn out from PT than I realized. I’m going to head home.”

“Okay.”

“Walk with me?” Harry asked.

Merlin glanced back at Eggsy, who waved back with a grin, his credit card pinched between his fingers. It was the least Eggsy could do as an apology to Harry for the awkward evening.

“Aye, I’ll walk you home,” Merlin agreed, pushing his half-finished whiskey aside. And together they left the bar, Harry brushing up against Merlin’s shoulder on the way out.

* * *

Eggsy was Harry’s best man at the wedding.


End file.
